I woke up this morning like most mornings. Samara came in half asleep at 6:30 and wanted a drink. We sent her back to bed and she fell asleep until almost 8:00. Unlike most mornings, I got out of bed and had a productive morning editing photos from my last session. Then, I suddenly remembered it was Thursday, which meant it was the 11th, which means 2 years ago my dad passed away. I was feeling pretty emotional at breakfast. Then Samara yelled, "I can't eat my cereal with this green spoon. I need the yellow one. My bowl is yellow." (spoon and bowls ALWAYS have to match-no exceptions!) And I was brought back to reality. I vividly remember a couple months after we were married Ben waking up in a very solemn mood on the anniversary of his sweet mom's death and telling me, "Now, I've lived longer without my mom than I did with her." It just doesn't seem fair. I'm grateful I had my dad with me as long as I did.
My sweet friend called me this afternoon to tell me that her dad wasn't doing well. She'd wanted to let me know she'd need to cancel some plans we had because she'd need to fly back to Taiwan to help. My heart sank and memories of my own dad being sick came rushing in. Seeing someone you love sick, miserable, and in so much pain is almost worse than losing them.
I got to be home for about 6 weeks while my dad was ill and in the hospital. It was emotionally exhausting but I'm so glad I had some time with him. He was doing better and I flew back home. A week later he passed away. I hated that I wasn't there for it. I hate that because I don't like to show emotion I didn't tell my dad how much he meant to me, because I thought I'd see him in the summer. I am sure anyone who has lost a love one can agree that your world changes when someone close to you passes away. You're never quite the same because part of you is with them.
His funeral services were lovely and a wonderful tribute to him. However, after I returned back to NC everything really sunk in and the next few months were difficult. I remember being angry that life went on for the rest of the world just as it always had. I thought time should stop even for a moment for something...anything...to acknowledge that such an important person was no longer part of it. One day not long after returning to NC I went to the grocery store. The clerk was polite and rang up my groceries like usual. I was so angry at her though for not acknowledging that something so significant had happened in my life. Ridiculous, I know--I'd never met her before. I felt like everyone was watching a horrendous act like 9/11 happen on a TV monitor right in front of their faces but were refusing to believe or care that it was going on. Anyone else felt this way?
I really really missed my dad our trip home over Christmas. I was definitely a daddy's girl. He and I loved to joke with each other. I wish Samara could have known him longer. I kept thinking on the flight home and when I first got there "Oh, he and Samara will have so much fun teasing each other. He'll get such a kick out her and he'll think what she said is so funny." My dad wrote the sweetest journal entry for Samara when he and my mom came out to help after she was born. I wish this baby could have a similar entry.
Some of my favorite memories of my dad are of going to BYU basketball and football games. My Mom, brother, sister and her family, and Samara and I went to one while we were visiting. I dropped Kenny, Mom, and Samara off so I could go park. I hadn't been to a basketball game for many years, so many feelings and memories came flooding back as I walked in the Marriott Center. I know he beamed with pride as Samara cheered "Go mighty cougars!"
I know I'll be with my Dad again and I am very grateful for that. But that doesn't make me miss him or all his wonderful quirks any less. I'm thankful I have his example to follow--it makes me a better person. Make sure your parents know how much you love them!
Every year around this time I too remeber and wonder what is going to happen this year and wish it could all just skip over these couple of days or to pause to remember or something and have been wanting to post something but could never quite come up with the right words to write
ReplyDeleteBless you for sharing your real feelings. I wish I had the right words to say, but really - just yes, feelings are real and they are good to have. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have had to deal with the loss of a parent. I hope you have had a tolerable day and know we are thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh Cheryl. That makes me so sad. I'm sorry that we weren't in better touch when you were going through all of that. I simply cannot imagine what it will be like when I lose my dad - I'm a daddy's girl, too. On the positive side, missing him so much means that your dad was just that special! Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure this was hard for you to write but I appreciate it. I think that no matter how old you or your parent is, it's still a hard thing to lose them. I have grandchildren, and I still miss my daddy too, because, like you, I was my daddy's girl (ask Heather - she knows the story that the only spanking I ever got from him was with a silk necktie). I tell you this to let you know that my heart is with you. And yes, we are blessed to know that we can be with our loved ones again, but we still miss them terribly for now.
ReplyDeleteI love your dad too. I remember those football games. Those days were so much fun! Remember when I broke off the handle to the car? Woops. I'm sure your new little girl was walked to the gate of heaven with your dad before entering your comfy womb.
ReplyDeleteOuch. This was a great post, but still, ouch. I know exactly what you mean. My mom and I are still best friends, but growing up, and even now, I'm a daddy's girl. I know this baby won't get to know your dad here, but at least she will have a dad who was as great as yours-she may not know him, but she'll know someone like him. I'm so glad you two are naming her Elizabeth! That's awesome. Sounds crazy, but I think she already looks like Samara!
ReplyDeleteThis post made me cry! It makes me want to have closer relationship with my parents. I can't say that I am as close to my dad (or mom) as you are to your parents and I want that, I just don't have that. None of my siblings do actually.
ReplyDeleteI remember being SHOCKED! on my wedding day when David and were driving to the temple, and I was all, "WHAT THE HECK! WE'RE GETTING MARRIED TODAY AND EVERYONE IS JUST DRIVING ON THE FREEWAY LIKE IT'S A NORMAL DAY! IT'S OUR WEDDING DAY!"
I received a comment from my soon-to-be husband that stopped me in my tracks. He was all, "Um . . . sweetie? Did you realize that EVERYDAY someone is getting married? Do you stop and recognize that for everyone?"
Good point. It's not that we don't mean to be inconsiderate, we just go about life.
Sorry to hear though.
I love you Cheryl.
ReplyDeleteYou are so sweet and strong Cheryl. It is tragic to have to lose a parent but I know your dad is so proud of you. I'm sure he and Lizzie are playing in heaven as we speak!
ReplyDeleteI am sad for you. I cringe to think about losing a parent. I feel too young and they too, to be gone from us so soon!
ReplyDeleteI guess we have to be thankful we know and understand the whole plan so at least it makes things a little easier??? Maybe??
Oh, Cheryl, your post brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard to come to terms with a loss of a loved one. It's hard to understand how such a major tragedy in your life does not affect lives of others and the sun rises every morning and you wonder how it is possible to put all the ache inside of you behind. And then I think of all those who go through the same thing and don't show their grief. I liked Emily's comment.
ReplyDeleteI like that we are capable of grieving, mourning and missing, because I don't think I'd like memories of those I love to be just memories. missing them is what makes us appreciate all those great times we had. The best part is that we have hope of reuniting and enjoying their company once more. I believe Lizzie and your dad know each other.
Love you and thinking of you Cheryl. xo Di
ReplyDeleteWe still talk about and miss your dad. I'm so glad Mark got to meet him and visit him as often as he did throughout his life. I can't believe it's been two years since he passed. This was a lovely post, I need to make more effort to spend time with my dad!
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